Learning new things!

Lately, I have been feeling down in my spiritual life. Nothing huge, just sort of apathetic...not on fire. This evening, I was doing my daily Bible reading in Revelation. I had a few chapters to catch up on, and so I settled in for a portion of, what I have considered, one of the scariest books in the Bible. (Not my favorite book) I did not expect anything great to come of it, and started in with a less than favorable attitude...then, I got to one of the "worst" parts. "And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and the books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life......and anyone not found in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire." Rev. 20:12 and 15. Not the most encouraging section of scripture, but it definitely served the purpose of driving me to my knees. Literally. I just sat there begging God to write my name in that Book. After a few minutes of silent prayer, I continued reading. The next part that I read gave me chills of gladness and made me praise an almighty Father who knew that I needed His word...."And He said to me, 'It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts.'" (YES! It gets better) "He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God, and he shall be My son." Wow...that really stopped me in my tracks. All apathy gone, and now I have come to the conclusion that this is one of the best, most hope-filled books ever! But then, He gives us the icing on the cake. "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Rev. 21:4 I cannot explain what this did for me, or the peace that comes from knowing that our God is not a God of terror, but that He loves His people so much  that He came to us in an extremely humble way...then, on top of leaving His glory, He died that brutal death to give us the most wonderful, awesome eternal life with Him.

Amazing Grace!!!

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to jump on here and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! I hope you have a super awesome day with lots of laughter, family, friends, and encouraging talk. Just remember to praise Jesus for coming to be with us and sympathize with us in our sufferings and joys. Keep Him the center of your day today, and check out this encouraging Christmas video if you have a moment...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1pQVRyPGTEc 

I think this is the song we are doing for our church's ChristmasRecital...... :)

Love...so many kinds, and the story of a girl's heart.

I have always struggled with acceptance. Not from family members or friends, but just accepting myself. Even as a little girl, I idolized my older sister, and everything she did was perfect and awesome. Since then, I have always wanted to be something other than I am. Whether it was to be like her, or like something or someone else. So often, I have sat on the floor in our little bathroom and cried....cried for who I wanted to be..cried because of what I was...cried because I was afraid and doubted the love of God....cried because of where I was in life. Ultimately, I was crying from discontent. Crying tears of doubt like the Israelites in the desert. I began realizing that I needed something to change. Something had to give, and it was either going to be my brain, my family, or my pride. Because, really, that was, and is, The Problem. Well, thankfully, my brain is still intact, as is my family, and both are healing, (albeit slowly), from the ravages of the result of my sin. This is kind of the story of what I have been working through in my life...This is the story of my heart. ( A while ago, a friend proposed a challenge to unmask your heart. I did it. Sort of. In a post you can read on this blog. But it was all stuff my friends knew anyways. This is the real unveiling...)


I was in trouble..again...Why? Why all the pain, and heartache, and disrespect, when I really did not want it? I had heard it over and over and OVER again...honor your father and your mother, etc. But something was not connecting between my ears and my heart. I would get angry. Really angry. And then, there would be peace for a week or two. Then it started all over again. Back in September, we girls and a couple of friends went to the miniature horse Nationals in Tulsa, OK. Right after we got home, there was, yes, one of those big, ugly scenes. I hurt a lot of people. (Emotionally) And then I realized that I needed a new life. I was sitting outside on our porch thinking over the recent trip. It came to me that an event that had occurred, which I thought was small at the time, had really impacted me....more than I knew. This is an excerpt from my journal about the event and the day I remembered it on....

"It is a beautiful day. There are grey storm clouds and the rain is gently falling on our healthy, bright green winter grass.  But I sit here crying. Why? Why all the inner turmoil on such an otherwise amazing day? Why can't I learn to be content? I have so much.
   There is a man somewhere in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He is broken....scarred by the use of drugs and by so much other pain in his life. He is about twenty, tallish, and would be handsome except for the evidence of drugs in his eyes. I saw him only once. At a gas station, a QT. He had a black eye then, from a fight. When I first saw him, I was scared, because he was watching us. He was sitting on a curb by our parking space. While we were in the store, a man pulled up next to him, talked to him for a second, gave him some money for a soda, and then left. He got up and walked past me as I was leaving. The pain in his eyes was unbelievable, almost not human. After we left, I cried. God alone knows how I cried for him.....it has been a few months, but I can still see that hunted look. Is he still alive? I don't know...I still pray." And I do..... For some reason, that little scenario really had an impact on me. It was sort of one of those, "But for the grace of God, there go I" moments. I began to see how truly blessed I am....with a loving family, and friends who accept me no matter what I do....and, most of all, a God who cares for me so much, that He sent His own Son to die, just for me. That truth and the significance of it has been so hard for me to grasp.

Anyways, after that day, the next time something really had a profound impact on me was when I had a severe cold a little while back. I decided to re-read the unabridged version of Ben Hur. I had read it about four years ago. Unfortunately, when I read it the first time, all I got out of it was the romance between Ben Hur, Iras, and Esther. (Pretty sad). I even skipped the whole first book with the story of the wise men. This time, I read the whole thing. I realized halfway through that the book was not a romance story, as I had originally thought, but was really an amazing, well written and presented Gospel story! I was so surprised! And I was very, very thankful for the wisdom of the author. This is going to sound awful, but while I have gone this far, I might as well go all the way....the Bible is sometimes very boring to me.....I mean, so boring that I struggle to get through daily devotions. The Gospel had become an old story, and Christ was just some man who lived 2000 yrs ago. Yes, that really looks awful in writing, but it is sadly very true. I am so grateful that God sent that book into my life. Through it, the Gospel story came alive, and I realized that Christ is SO much more than "just a man". I cried my way through that book, but it was very good for me. And so I am beginning to change. Slowly. But there is change, and I don't want to lose it. Yes, some days are hard, but the severe anger has been gone for sometime. Please, please pray for me..... I don't want the discontent or the anger....I want to be able to love myself ...not because of anything that I have done....Far from it! But wholly and solely because Christ loves me so, so much....it helps me to be content while I am waiting. I so want to graduate, and get married, and "move on in life", but I am slowly learning what it is to love where I am at.

OK, I was not prepared to write all that when I sat down, but I suppose it was good to get it all out. I want the mask off. I want to stop hiding under a fake profile, and I want to learn to love.

ER....

Sitting in the ER with Mom right now. A week ago today, I came own with a severe cold. It was worst that day, Sunday, and then slowly got better over the next two days. Jess came down with the same thing and recovered pretty fast also. We thought Mom had escaped. She took immune boosters like Elderberry, vitamin c, etc.  Last night, we were watching Fiddler on the Roof and eating pizza, yum!, and she said she felt a little nauseated. She got over it pretty quick though, and thought it was just something she ate. This morning, I got up at 6:00 am to take a shower before church. She called me in her room, and when I went in there, she was in agony. Her lower back was giving her intense pain and she was having cycles of dry heaves every 20 to 30 minutes. The pain got really intense, and  she asked us to take her in. She never gets sick, and when she does, she rarely lays down. This was really unusual. Dad drove and I just went to help.

She was really dehydrated, so they put her on iv fluids and morphine for the pain and something else for the nausea. Please pray she gets better.

The girls went to church, and we are all three supposed to play on our church's Christmas Recital tonight. We have to leave at 4:30. And then we are supposed to go over to another family's house for dinner. Not entirely sure how we are going to work all this.....but the most important thing is to get Mom feeling better. She just Sid she was more relaxed...probably the morphine.

Anyways, please pray for her....

Time...

I know I should post.....and I have a profound post I want to do...later....when I have time. I just wanted to let everyone know that I do still exist :)

I got to go walking with one of my best friends/mentor today!! Great time....but cold :) (37 this morning) Yikes!