I have always struggled with acceptance. Not from family members or friends, but just accepting myself. Even as a little girl, I idolized my older sister, and everything she did was perfect and awesome. Since then, I have always wanted to be something other than I am. Whether it was to be like her, or like something or someone else. So often, I have sat on the floor in our little bathroom and cried....cried for who I wanted to be..cried because of what I was...cried because I was afraid and doubted the love of God....cried because of where I was in life. Ultimately, I was crying from discontent. Crying tears of doubt like the Israelites in the desert. I began realizing that I needed something to change. Something had to give, and it was either going to be my brain, my family, or my pride. Because, really, that was, and is, The Problem. Well, thankfully, my brain is still intact, as is my family, and both are healing, (albeit slowly), from the ravages of the result of my sin. This is kind of the story of what I have been working through in my life...This is the story of my heart. ( A while ago, a friend proposed a challenge to unmask your heart. I did it. Sort of. In a post you can read on this blog. But it was all stuff my friends knew anyways. This is the real unveiling...)
I was in trouble..again...Why? Why all the pain, and heartache, and disrespect, when I really did not want it? I had heard it over and over and OVER again...honor your father and your mother, etc. But something was not connecting between my ears and my heart. I would get angry. Really angry. And then, there would be peace for a week or two. Then it started all over again. Back in September, we girls and a couple of friends went to the miniature horse Nationals in Tulsa, OK. Right after we got home, there was, yes, one of those big, ugly scenes. I hurt a lot of people. (Emotionally) And then I realized that I needed a new life. I was sitting outside on our porch thinking over the recent trip. It came to me that an event that had occurred, which I thought was small at the time, had really impacted me....more than I knew. This is an excerpt from my journal about the event and the day I remembered it on....
"It is a beautiful day. There are grey storm clouds and the rain is gently falling on our healthy, bright green winter grass. But I sit here crying. Why? Why all the inner turmoil on such an otherwise amazing day? Why can't I learn to be content? I have so much.
There is a man somewhere in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He is broken....scarred by the use of drugs and by so much other pain in his life. He is about twenty, tallish, and would be handsome except for the evidence of drugs in his eyes. I saw him only once. At a gas station, a QT. He had a black eye then, from a fight. When I first saw him, I was scared, because he was watching us. He was sitting on a curb by our parking space. While we were in the store, a man pulled up next to him, talked to him for a second, gave him some money for a soda, and then left. He got up and walked past me as I was leaving. The pain in his eyes was unbelievable, almost not human. After we left, I cried. God alone knows how I cried for him.....it has been a few months, but I can still see that hunted look. Is he still alive? I don't know...I still pray." And I do..... For some reason, that little scenario really had an impact on me. It was sort of one of those, "But for the grace of God, there go I" moments. I began to see how truly blessed I am....with a loving family, and friends who accept me no matter what I do....and, most of all, a God who cares for me so much, that He sent His own Son to die, just for me. That truth and the significance of it has been so hard for me to grasp.
Anyways, after that day, the next time something really had a profound impact on me was when I had a severe cold a little while back. I decided to re-read the unabridged version of Ben Hur. I had read it about four years ago. Unfortunately, when I read it the first time, all I got out of it was the romance between Ben Hur, Iras, and Esther. (Pretty sad). I even skipped the whole first book with the story of the wise men. This time, I read the whole thing. I realized halfway through that the book was not a romance story, as I had originally thought, but was really an amazing, well written and presented Gospel story! I was so surprised! And I was very, very thankful for the wisdom of the author. This is going to sound awful, but while I have gone this far, I might as well go all the way....the Bible is sometimes very boring to me.....I mean, so boring that I struggle to get through daily devotions. The Gospel had become an old story, and Christ was just some man who lived 2000 yrs ago. Yes, that really looks awful in writing, but it is sadly very true. I am so grateful that God sent that book into my life. Through it, the Gospel story came alive, and I realized that Christ is SO much more than "just a man". I cried my way through that book, but it was very good for me. And so I am beginning to change. Slowly. But there is change, and I don't want to lose it. Yes, some days are hard, but the severe anger has been gone for sometime. Please, please pray for me..... I don't want the discontent or the anger....I want to be able to love myself ...not because of anything that I have done....Far from it! But wholly and solely because Christ loves me so, so much....it helps me to be content while I am waiting. I so want to graduate, and get married, and "move on in life", but I am slowly learning what it is to love where I am at.
OK, I was not prepared to write all that when I sat down, but I suppose it was good to get it all out. I want the mask off. I want to stop hiding under a fake profile, and I want to learn to love.
